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Transcriber: Anggiasti R W Reviewer: Zsófia Herczeg It isn’t true what they say, that you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.
他們說的話不是真的，你不能愛任何人，直到你愛自己。
Have you heard that?
你聽說過嗎？
People say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anybody else.
人們說你必須先學會愛自己，然後才能愛別人。
But it’s not true.
但這不是真的。
I loved everybody before I loved myself.
我在愛自己之前就愛每個人。
Love doesn’t care which way you come or what state you’re in when you get here.
愛不在乎你從哪條路來，也不在乎你到達這裡時的狀態。
Love welcomes everyone unconditionally.
愛無條件地歡迎每個人。
Oddly, so do focus group moderators - which is how and why I learned to do it.
奇怪的是，焦點小組主持人也是如此——這就是我如何以及為什麼學會這樣做的。
If you’ve never been a part of a focus group, you’re missing a really special cultural experience.
如果你從未參加過焦點小組，你錯過了一個非常特別的文化體驗。
So, in every focus group, there’s a range of characters, right?
所以，在每個焦點小組中，都有一系列角色，對吧？
There’s always a shy one and a chatty one, a grumpy one that doesn’t want to do any of the exercises, and a very excited mom with a notebook,
總有一個害羞的，一個健談的，一個脾氣暴躁的不想做任何練習的，還有一個非常興奮的媽媽帶著筆記本，
who wants to get an A plus in all of the exercises.
她想在所有練習中得A+。
There’s a student who lied on the intake because they need the money, and a dad full of jokes who can’t read the room.
有一個學生在入組時撒了謊，因為他們需要錢，還有一個滿是笑話的爸爸，他讀不懂房間的氣氛。
And usually, there’s one ex-military guy who keeps staring at the two-way mirror suspiciously.
通常，有一個前軍人一直懷疑地盯著雙向鏡。
It’s a situation where a group of people that may not otherwise ever meet have the chance to share their perspectives.
這是一個可能永遠不會見面的群體有機會分享他們觀點的情況。
And it’s my job as the moderator to make sure that they all get heard.
作為主持人，我的工作是確保他們都被聽到。
Now, it’s not quite a classroom.
現在，這不太像教室。
It’s not group therapy.
這不是團體治療。
And while the community feel has some elements of holiness, probably no one would call it a spiritual experience.
雖然社區感有一些神聖的元素，但可能沒有人會稱之為精神體驗。
I mean, no one else.
我的意思是，沒有其他人。
Because moderating rooms of strange and difficult voices is what taught me to welcome all the strange and difficult parts of myself.
因為主持充滿奇怪和困難聲音的房間，教會我歡迎自己所有奇怪和困難的部分。
I start every morning meditation with the same opener I use as a focus group moderator: “Thanks, everyone, for being here.” “Your input is valued.” “I’m going to hear from each of you.
我每天早上冥想都以我作為焦點小組主持人使用的相同開場白開始：「謝謝大家來到這裡。」「你的意見很有價值。」「我會聽取你們每個人的意見。
I’ll give you all the chance to speak.
我會給你們所有人說話的機會。
Just do your best to be completely present, honest, and try to make any requests reasonable.” So I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of me in here,
只要盡力完全在場、誠實，並盡量讓任何要求合理。」所以我不知道你怎麼樣，但這裡有很多個我，
in the mind of Karen Faith.
在 Karen Faith 的腦海中。
I’m not referring to psychiatric illness specifically, but I don’t exclude that.
我不是特別指精神疾病，但我不排除這一點。
My mind has plenty of quirks, but what I have to share is for anyone with an inner dialogue.
我的頭腦有很多怪癖，但我必須分享的是給任何有內在對話的人。
Though I admit, it’s especially for those of us with a really noisy one.
雖然我承認，這特別是為我們這些有真正嘈雜內在對話的人準備的。
So I noticed some time ago that I was arguing with myself.
所以我注意到一段時間前我在和自己爭論。
And then I wondered: If I didn’t agree with me, who is I, and who is me in that scenario?
然後我想知道：如果我不同意我，在那種情況下，我是誰，我又是誰？
And it turned out that there are quite a few of me.
結果發現有很多個我。
There’s a really sentimental, emotional me, an intellectual, analytical me.
有一個非常感性的、情緒化的我，一個理智的、分析性的我。
Those two argue a lot.
那兩個爭論很多。
There’s a me who loves being on stage.
有一個我喜歡在舞臺上。
There’s another one who is pretty shaky at the moment.
還有另一個在目前相當不穩定。
Some of us - at this time, I include you - some of us regard these as feelings or thoughts.
我們中的一些人——此時，我包括你——我們中的一些人將這些視為感受或想法。
And maybe we’ve done our personal homework, accepting that we can have conflicting feelings at the same time.
也許我們已經完成了個人功課，接受我們可以同時有衝突的感受。
We can be excited about a new job and also dread going back to work.
我們可以對新工作感到興奮，同時也害怕回去工作。
We can be tired and want to stay up.
我們可以很累，但想熬夜。
We can adore someone who also annoys us.
我們可以崇拜一個也讓我們煩惱的人。
We can love someone who has badly betrayed us.
我們可以愛一個嚴重背叛了我們的人。
And when we’re honest and rational, we can see that these are common experiences.
當我們誠實和理性時，我們可以看到這些是常見的經歷。
But we’re not crazy to both love and hate camping.
但我們同時愛和恨露營並不瘋狂。
It does me no harm to embrace that I feel both ways about it.
接受我對它有兩種感覺對我沒有傷害。
But what about the thought that I’m worthless, that I don’t belong here?
但關於我毫無價值、我不屬於這裡的想法呢？
The mistakes I’ve made are unforgivable, that the bad things that happened in my life were my fault.
我犯的錯誤是不可原諒的，我生活中發生的壞事是我的錯。
Those thoughts are just as real as the rest of them, but they're harder to live with.
這些想法和其他想法一樣真實，但它們更難忍受。
And they send many of us to therapy or to yoga or the nearest bar, which more or less describes my daily commute for many years.
它們把我們中的許多人送到治療或瑜伽或最近的酒吧，這或多或少描述了我多年來的日常通勤。
Because I wanted to silence those thoughts completely.
因為我想完全沉默那些想法。
And let me tell you: I tried.
讓我告訴你：我試過了。
I have done every kind of therapy I have ever heard of.
我已經做過我聽說過的每一種治療。
I have done talk therapy, energy healing, body work, hypnotherapy, soul retrieval, the tapping stuff, the thing with the lights.
我做過談話治療、能量治療、身體工作、催眠治療、靈魂找回、敲擊療法、燈光療法。
I did seven kinds of yoga.
我做過七種瑜伽。
I drank the “special tea” with the shaman in the forest.
我和森林裡的薩滿一起喝了「特殊茶」。
I admit I did pass on the acupuncture they do with live honeybees - people do that.
我承認我確實跳過了他們用活蜜蜂做的針灸——人們確實這樣做。
Suffice to say, I tried.
總之，我試過了。
And still sometimes, when I was alone, I would hear myself shouting: “Shut up!” or worse to my own mind.
仍然有時，當我獨自一人時，我會聽到自己大喊：「閉嘴！」或更糟的話對我的頭腦說。
In my work as a people researcher, it’s my job to practice empathy with strangers, to receive everything I can about their world in order to understand them as deeply as possible.
在我作為人際研究員的工作中，我的工作是對陌生人練習同理心，接收我能得到的關於他們世界的一切，以便盡可能深入地理解他們。
Now, it’s noteworthy that I found this career at a temp job, writing meeting notes, when my supervisor noticed that I wasn’t just paraphrasing conversation, I was recording body language, micro-expressions, tonal shifts,
現在，值得注意的是，我在一份臨時工作中找到了這個職業，寫會議記錄，當時我的主管注意到我不只是在轉述對話，我在記錄肢體語言、微表情、語調變化，
What neither of us knew then is that the qualities which made me seem skillful were the symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress.
我們當時都不知道的是，讓我看起來有技巧的品質是複雜創傷後壓力的症狀。
The most reasonable results of an appalling upbringing, and a fact I share not to set me apart from you but to welcome you in here with me.
這是令人震驚的成長經歷最合理的結果，我分享這個事實不是為了把我與你分開，而是為了歡迎你和我一起在這裡。
Everyone in this room has walked through something difficult in order to be here.
這個房間裡的每個人都走過了一些困難才能來到這裡。
And I want you to know that whatever path you’ve taken to get through it is honorable.
我想讓你知道，無論你走過什麼路徑來度過它，都是值得尊敬的。
there is truly no wrong way.
真的沒有錯誤的方式。
There are some ways that cause other problems.
有一些方式會導致其他問題。
You know the ones.
你知道那些。
I’ve done some of those.
我做過其中一些。
I still do some of those.
我仍然在做其中一些。
And I don’t judge those either, because gifts and curses are “buy one, get one.” And mine were no exception.
我也不評判那些，因為禮物和詛咒是「買一送一」。我的也不例外。
My early life gave me heaps of shame and a splintered sense of self - hence all the different mes - but it also gave me super antennas for the emotions of others.
我的早期生活給了我大量的羞恥和分裂的自我感——因此有了所有不同的我——但它也給了我對他人情緒的超級天線。
This hypervigilance made me a certified mess of a person but a damn near-wizard-level observer.
這種過度警覺使我成為一個認證的混亂的人，但也是一個近乎巫師級別的觀察者。
So I got to work.
所以我開始工作。
The last 20 years I’ve shadowed people in their homes, at their jobs, while they shop and drive, and go on dates.
在過去的20年裡，我在人們的家中、工作中、購物和開車時，以及約會時跟隨他們。
I ask them to be honest and vulnerable with me, and to do this, I practice something that I call unconditional welcome, which is like a researcher’s neutrality, but a little extra.
我要求他們對我誠實和脆弱，為了做到這一點，我練習一些我稱之為無條件歡迎的東西，這就像研究者的中立性，但多一點。
The day I discovered it, I was sitting in the living room of a research subject.
我發現它的那一天，我坐在一個研究對象的客廳裡。
She was a very unpleasant woman, if I’m honest.
如果說實話，她是一個非常不愉快的女人。
Feeding french fries to an infant, as she snapped at me that she would never have her children vaccinated, not even to protect them from polio
給嬰兒餵炸薯條，她對我厲聲說，她永遠不會給她的孩子接種疫苗，甚至不會保護他們免受小兒麻痺症
because she didn’t know it was in those shots.
因為她不知道疫苗裡有這個。
Now never mind that she said this an inch of ash deep into a Virginia Slim, right.
現在別介意她說這話時手裡拿著一支 Virginia Slim 香煙，煙灰有一英寸深，對吧。
I was judging her, I know.
我在評判她，我知道。
I’m not proud of it, but at least one of me is a jerk.
我不為此感到驕傲，但至少我中的一個是混蛋。
I needed to connect with her, and I didn’t want to.
我需要與她建立聯繫，但我不想。
I didn't like her. I didn't respect her.
我不喜歡她。我不尊重她。
I didn’t want to spend a single moment with her.
我不想和她待哪怕一刻。
And the project required that I spend hours.
項目要求我花幾個小時。
And that I used that time to get to know her: what she values, what she believes, where she finds strength.
我必須用那段時間去了解她：她重視什麼，她相信什麼，她在哪裡找到力量。
Researcher neutrality was unavailable to me at the time, so I had to get out the big guns.
研究者的中立性在當時對我來說是不可用的，所以我必須拿出大武器。
I called up my New Age visualization skills, and I took a deep breath, secondhand smoke and all.
我調用了我的新時代視覺化技能，我深吸了一口氣，包括二手煙在內。
And I imagined that my breath was inflating a shiny soap bubble filled with unconditional welcome.
我想像我的呼吸正在充氣一個閃亮的肥皂泡，裡面充滿了無條件的歡迎。
Total welcome as is - no comments, no notes.
完全歡迎，就是這樣——沒有評論，沒有筆記。
And as I inflated the bubble, it became big enough to contain my whole body.
當我充氣這個泡泡時，它變得足夠大，可以容納我的整個身體。
And in that moment, I saw a mother feeding her baby in a world that she didn’t trust.
在那一刻，我看到一個母親在她不信任的世界裡餵養她的孩子。
I told her that I could see that she cared about protecting her son, and I asked her if she got that from her parents.
我告訴她，我可以看到她關心保護她的兒子，我問她是否從她的父母那裡得到了這個。
And then we had a conversation.
然後我們進行了對話。
And I learned about her.
我了解了她。
I learned why she was afraid and angry, and how she fought through that fear to make a family.
我了解了她為什麼害怕和憤怒，以及她如何通過那種恐懼來建立家庭。
When I welcomed this woman unconditionally, I saw her more clearly, but I also loved her instantly.
當我無條件地歡迎這個女人時，我更清楚地看到了她，但我也立即愛上了她。
We have been told too often that love is hard.
我們被告知太多次，愛是困難的。
Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it.
愛是當我們停止試圖弄清楚誰值得它時發生的事情。
It’s right there when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it, and we welcome someone, anyone, exactly as they are, in the moment.
當我們停止試圖弄清楚誰值得它，我們歡迎某人，任何人，完全按照他們在那一刻的樣子時，它就在那裡。
It’ll be two more years before I learn to do this with all the parts of myself.
還需要兩年時間，我才學會對自己所有部分這樣做。
But it started just as simply; a part of me had become very chatty - a part that was afraid and angry, whiny, demanding, unreasonable and relentless.
但它開始得同樣簡單；我的一部分變得非常健談——一個害怕和憤怒、抱怨、要求、不合理和無情的一部分。
She told me that we were never going to get better.
她告訴我我們永遠不會好起來。
She wanted out of here.
她想離開這裡。
I asked her what I could do.
我問她我能做什麼。
She only told me she wanted to die, over and over and over and over.
她只告訴我她想死，一遍又一遍又一遍又一遍。
I begged her to shut up, and she did not.
我求她閉嘴，但她沒有。
Finally, after weeks of harassment, whether out of exhaustion or epiphany, instead of shouting back, I took a deep breath.
最後，在幾週的騷擾之後，無論是出於疲憊還是頓悟，我沒有回喊，而是深吸了一口氣。
I became my own moderator.
我成了我自己的主持人。
I said out loud in a voice that surprised me: “Thank you for sharing.
我用一個讓我驚訝的聲音大聲說：「謝謝你的分享。
I’m going to remind you of our agreement to be honest and reasonable.” And she answered me - that voice.
我要提醒你我們要誠實和合理的協議。」她回答了我——那個聲音。
Now, don’t get spooked. This is all just thinking happening.
現在，不要被嚇到。這只是思考在發生。
But the part of me asking and the part answering did in fact seem like different parts.
但問問題的我和回答的部分確實看起來像不同的部分。
She told me that she was in a lot of pain. And I told her: “I know.
她告訴我她非常痛苦。我告訴她：「我知道。
And I promise you I’m going to take care of you.
我向你保證我會照顧你。
But I need you to get on board.
但我需要你上船。
I will listen to you, but I will not obey you.” And as clearly as I’m speaking to you now, she said okay.
我會聽你的，但我不會服從你。」就像我現在對你說話一樣清楚，她說好的。
And then we started to talk.
然後我們開始交談。
As I continue the dialogue with myself, I found more of me, more voices with more points of view, some of them more fun than others.
當我繼續與自己對話時，我發現了更多的我，更多有更多觀點的聲音，其中一些比其他的更有趣。
And the imagined landscape of my mind began to look a lot like a focus group.
我想像中的頭腦風景開始看起來很像一個焦點小組。
點擊句子跳轉到對應位置
Transcriber: Anggiasti R W Reviewer: Zsófia Herczeg It isn’t true what they say, that you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.
他們說的話不是真的，你不能愛任何人，直到你愛自己。
Have you heard that?
你聽說過嗎？
People say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anybody else.
人們說你必須先學會愛自己，然後才能愛別人。
But it’s not true.
但這不是真的。
I loved everybody before I loved myself.
我在愛自己之前就愛每個人。
Love doesn’t care which way you come or what state you’re in when you get here.
愛不在乎你從哪條路來，也不在乎你到達這裡時的狀態。
Love welcomes everyone unconditionally.
愛無條件地歡迎每個人。
Oddly, so do focus group moderators - which is how and why I learned to do it.
奇怪的是，焦點小組主持人也是如此——這就是我如何以及為什麼學會這樣做的。
If you’ve never been a part of a focus group, you’re missing a really special cultural experience.
如果你從未參加過焦點小組，你錯過了一個非常特別的文化體驗。
So, in every focus group, there’s a range of characters, right?
所以，在每個焦點小組中，都有一系列角色，對吧？
There’s always a shy one and a chatty one, a grumpy one that doesn’t want to do any of the exercises, and a very excited mom with a notebook,
總有一個害羞的，一個健談的，一個脾氣暴躁的不想做任何練習的，還有一個非常興奮的媽媽帶著筆記本，
who wants to get an A plus in all of the exercises.
她想在所有練習中得A+。
There’s a student who lied on the intake because they need the money, and a dad full of jokes who can’t read the room.
有一個學生在入組時撒了謊，因為他們需要錢，還有一個滿是笑話的爸爸，他讀不懂房間的氣氛。
And usually, there’s one ex-military guy who keeps staring at the two-way mirror suspiciously.
通常，有一個前軍人一直懷疑地盯著雙向鏡。
It’s a situation where a group of people that may not otherwise ever meet have the chance to share their perspectives.
這是一個可能永遠不會見面的群體有機會分享他們觀點的情況。
And it’s my job as the moderator to make sure that they all get heard.
作為主持人，我的工作是確保他們都被聽到。
Now, it’s not quite a classroom.
現在，這不太像教室。
It’s not group therapy.
這不是團體治療。
And while the community feel has some elements of holiness, probably no one would call it a spiritual experience.
雖然社區感有一些神聖的元素，但可能沒有人會稱之為精神體驗。
I mean, no one else.
我的意思是，沒有其他人。
Because moderating rooms of strange and difficult voices is what taught me to welcome all the strange and difficult parts of myself.
因為主持充滿奇怪和困難聲音的房間，教會我歡迎自己所有奇怪和困難的部分。
I start every morning meditation with the same opener I use as a focus group moderator: “Thanks, everyone, for being here.” “Your input is valued.” “I’m going to hear from each of you.
我每天早上冥想都以我作為焦點小組主持人使用的相同開場白開始：「謝謝大家來到這裡。」「你的意見很有價值。」「我會聽取你們每個人的意見。
I’ll give you all the chance to speak.
我會給你們所有人說話的機會。
Just do your best to be completely present, honest, and try to make any requests reasonable.” So I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of me in here,
只要盡力完全在場、誠實，並盡量讓任何要求合理。」所以我不知道你怎麼樣，但這裡有很多個我，
in the mind of Karen Faith.
在 Karen Faith 的腦海中。
I’m not referring to psychiatric illness specifically, but I don’t exclude that.
我不是特別指精神疾病，但我不排除這一點。
My mind has plenty of quirks, but what I have to share is for anyone with an inner dialogue.
我的頭腦有很多怪癖，但我必須分享的是給任何有內在對話的人。
Though I admit, it’s especially for those of us with a really noisy one.
雖然我承認，這特別是為我們這些有真正嘈雜內在對話的人準備的。
So I noticed some time ago that I was arguing with myself.
所以我注意到一段時間前我在和自己爭論。
And then I wondered: If I didn’t agree with me, who is I, and who is me in that scenario?
然後我想知道：如果我不同意我，在那種情況下，我是誰，我又是誰？
And it turned out that there are quite a few of me.
結果發現有很多個我。
There’s a really sentimental, emotional me, an intellectual, analytical me.
有一個非常感性的、情緒化的我，一個理智的、分析性的我。
Those two argue a lot.
那兩個爭論很多。
There’s a me who loves being on stage.
有一個我喜歡在舞臺上。
There’s another one who is pretty shaky at the moment.
還有另一個在目前相當不穩定。
Some of us - at this time, I include you - some of us regard these as feelings or thoughts.
我們中的一些人——此時，我包括你——我們中的一些人將這些視為感受或想法。
And maybe we’ve done our personal homework, accepting that we can have conflicting feelings at the same time.
也許我們已經完成了個人功課，接受我們可以同時有衝突的感受。
We can be excited about a new job and also dread going back to work.
我們可以對新工作感到興奮，同時也害怕回去工作。
We can be tired and want to stay up.
我們可以很累，但想熬夜。
We can adore someone who also annoys us.
我們可以崇拜一個也讓我們煩惱的人。
We can love someone who has badly betrayed us.
我們可以愛一個嚴重背叛了我們的人。
And when we’re honest and rational, we can see that these are common experiences.
當我們誠實和理性時，我們可以看到這些是常見的經歷。
But we’re not crazy to both love and hate camping.
但我們同時愛和恨露營並不瘋狂。
It does me no harm to embrace that I feel both ways about it.
接受我對它有兩種感覺對我沒有傷害。
But what about the thought that I’m worthless, that I don’t belong here?
但關於我毫無價值、我不屬於這裡的想法呢？
The mistakes I’ve made are unforgivable, that the bad things that happened in my life were my fault.
我犯的錯誤是不可原諒的，我生活中發生的壞事是我的錯。
Those thoughts are just as real as the rest of them, but they're harder to live with.
這些想法和其他想法一樣真實，但它們更難忍受。
And they send many of us to therapy or to yoga or the nearest bar, which more or less describes my daily commute for many years.
它們把我們中的許多人送到治療或瑜伽或最近的酒吧，這或多或少描述了我多年來的日常通勤。
Because I wanted to silence those thoughts completely.
因為我想完全沉默那些想法。
And let me tell you: I tried.
讓我告訴你：我試過了。
I have done every kind of therapy I have ever heard of.
我已經做過我聽說過的每一種治療。
I have done talk therapy, energy healing, body work, hypnotherapy, soul retrieval, the tapping stuff, the thing with the lights.
我做過談話治療、能量治療、身體工作、催眠治療、靈魂找回、敲擊療法、燈光療法。
I did seven kinds of yoga.
我做過七種瑜伽。
I drank the “special tea” with the shaman in the forest.
我和森林裡的薩滿一起喝了「特殊茶」。
I admit I did pass on the acupuncture they do with live honeybees - people do that.
我承認我確實跳過了他們用活蜜蜂做的針灸——人們確實這樣做。
Suffice to say, I tried.
總之，我試過了。
And still sometimes, when I was alone, I would hear myself shouting: “Shut up!” or worse to my own mind.
仍然有時，當我獨自一人時，我會聽到自己大喊：「閉嘴！」或更糟的話對我的頭腦說。
In my work as a people researcher, it’s my job to practice empathy with strangers, to receive everything I can about their world in order to understand them as deeply as possible.
在我作為人際研究員的工作中，我的工作是對陌生人練習同理心，接收我能得到的關於他們世界的一切，以便盡可能深入地理解他們。
Now, it’s noteworthy that I found this career at a temp job, writing meeting notes, when my supervisor noticed that I wasn’t just paraphrasing conversation, I was recording body language, micro-expressions, tonal shifts,
現在，值得注意的是，我在一份臨時工作中找到了這個職業，寫會議記錄，當時我的主管注意到我不只是在轉述對話，我在記錄肢體語言、微表情、語調變化，
What neither of us knew then is that the qualities which made me seem skillful were the symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress.
我們當時都不知道的是，讓我看起來有技巧的品質是複雜創傷後壓力的症狀。
The most reasonable results of an appalling upbringing, and a fact I share not to set me apart from you but to welcome you in here with me.
這是令人震驚的成長經歷最合理的結果，我分享這個事實不是為了把我與你分開，而是為了歡迎你和我一起在這裡。
Everyone in this room has walked through something difficult in order to be here.
這個房間裡的每個人都走過了一些困難才能來到這裡。
And I want you to know that whatever path you’ve taken to get through it is honorable.
我想讓你知道，無論你走過什麼路徑來度過它，都是值得尊敬的。
there is truly no wrong way.
真的沒有錯誤的方式。
There are some ways that cause other problems.
有一些方式會導致其他問題。
You know the ones.
你知道那些。
I’ve done some of those.
我做過其中一些。
I still do some of those.
我仍然在做其中一些。
And I don’t judge those either, because gifts and curses are “buy one, get one.” And mine were no exception.
我也不評判那些，因為禮物和詛咒是「買一送一」。我的也不例外。
My early life gave me heaps of shame and a splintered sense of self - hence all the different mes - but it also gave me super antennas for the emotions of others.
我的早期生活給了我大量的羞恥和分裂的自我感——因此有了所有不同的我——但它也給了我對他人情緒的超級天線。
This hypervigilance made me a certified mess of a person but a damn near-wizard-level observer.
這種過度警覺使我成為一個認證的混亂的人，但也是一個近乎巫師級別的觀察者。
So I got to work.
所以我開始工作。
The last 20 years I’ve shadowed people in their homes, at their jobs, while they shop and drive, and go on dates.
在過去的20年裡，我在人們的家中、工作中、購物和開車時，以及約會時跟隨他們。
I ask them to be honest and vulnerable with me, and to do this, I practice something that I call unconditional welcome, which is like a researcher’s neutrality, but a little extra.
我要求他們對我誠實和脆弱，為了做到這一點，我練習一些我稱之為無條件歡迎的東西，這就像研究者的中立性，但多一點。
The day I discovered it, I was sitting in the living room of a research subject.
我發現它的那一天，我坐在一個研究對象的客廳裡。
She was a very unpleasant woman, if I’m honest.
如果說實話，她是一個非常不愉快的女人。
Feeding french fries to an infant, as she snapped at me that she would never have her children vaccinated, not even to protect them from polio
給嬰兒餵炸薯條，她對我厲聲說，她永遠不會給她的孩子接種疫苗，甚至不會保護他們免受小兒麻痺症
because she didn’t know it was in those shots.
因為她不知道疫苗裡有這個。
Now never mind that she said this an inch of ash deep into a Virginia Slim, right.
現在別介意她說這話時手裡拿著一支 Virginia Slim 香煙，煙灰有一英寸深，對吧。
I was judging her, I know.
我在評判她，我知道。
I’m not proud of it, but at least one of me is a jerk.
我不為此感到驕傲，但至少我中的一個是混蛋。
I needed to connect with her, and I didn’t want to.
我需要與她建立聯繫，但我不想。
I didn't like her. I didn't respect her.
我不喜歡她。我不尊重她。
I didn’t want to spend a single moment with her.
我不想和她待哪怕一刻。
And the project required that I spend hours.
項目要求我花幾個小時。
And that I used that time to get to know her: what she values, what she believes, where she finds strength.
我必須用那段時間去了解她：她重視什麼，她相信什麼，她在哪裡找到力量。
Researcher neutrality was unavailable to me at the time, so I had to get out the big guns.
研究者的中立性在當時對我來說是不可用的，所以我必須拿出大武器。
I called up my New Age visualization skills, and I took a deep breath, secondhand smoke and all.
我調用了我的新時代視覺化技能，我深吸了一口氣，包括二手煙在內。
And I imagined that my breath was inflating a shiny soap bubble filled with unconditional welcome.
我想像我的呼吸正在充氣一個閃亮的肥皂泡，裡面充滿了無條件的歡迎。
Total welcome as is - no comments, no notes.
完全歡迎，就是這樣——沒有評論，沒有筆記。
And as I inflated the bubble, it became big enough to contain my whole body.
當我充氣這個泡泡時，它變得足夠大，可以容納我的整個身體。
And in that moment, I saw a mother feeding her baby in a world that she didn’t trust.
在那一刻，我看到一個母親在她不信任的世界裡餵養她的孩子。
I told her that I could see that she cared about protecting her son, and I asked her if she got that from her parents.
我告訴她，我可以看到她關心保護她的兒子，我問她是否從她的父母那裡得到了這個。
And then we had a conversation.
然後我們進行了對話。
And I learned about her.
我了解了她。
I learned why she was afraid and angry, and how she fought through that fear to make a family.
我了解了她為什麼害怕和憤怒，以及她如何通過那種恐懼來建立家庭。
When I welcomed this woman unconditionally, I saw her more clearly, but I also loved her instantly.
當我無條件地歡迎這個女人時，我更清楚地看到了她，但我也立即愛上了她。
We have been told too often that love is hard.
我們被告知太多次，愛是困難的。
Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it.
愛是當我們停止試圖弄清楚誰值得它時發生的事情。
It’s right there when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it, and we welcome someone, anyone, exactly as they are, in the moment.
當我們停止試圖弄清楚誰值得它，我們歡迎某人，任何人，完全按照他們在那一刻的樣子時，它就在那裡。
It’ll be two more years before I learn to do this with all the parts of myself.
還需要兩年時間，我才學會對自己所有部分這樣做。
But it started just as simply; a part of me had become very chatty - a part that was afraid and angry, whiny, demanding, unreasonable and relentless.
但它開始得同樣簡單；我的一部分變得非常健談——一個害怕和憤怒、抱怨、要求、不合理和無情的一部分。
She told me that we were never going to get better.
她告訴我我們永遠不會好起來。
She wanted out of here.
她想離開這裡。
I asked her what I could do.
我問她我能做什麼。
She only told me she wanted to die, over and over and over and over.
她只告訴我她想死，一遍又一遍又一遍又一遍。
I begged her to shut up, and she did not.
我求她閉嘴，但她沒有。
Finally, after weeks of harassment, whether out of exhaustion or epiphany, instead of shouting back, I took a deep breath.
最後，在幾週的騷擾之後，無論是出於疲憊還是頓悟，我沒有回喊，而是深吸了一口氣。
I became my own moderator.
我成了我自己的主持人。
I said out loud in a voice that surprised me: “Thank you for sharing.
我用一個讓我驚訝的聲音大聲說：「謝謝你的分享。
I’m going to remind you of our agreement to be honest and reasonable.” And she answered me - that voice.
我要提醒你我們要誠實和合理的協議。」她回答了我——那個聲音。
Now, don’t get spooked. This is all just thinking happening.
現在，不要被嚇到。這只是思考在發生。
But the part of me asking and the part answering did in fact seem like different parts.
但問問題的我和回答的部分確實看起來像不同的部分。
She told me that she was in a lot of pain. And I told her: “I know.
她告訴我她非常痛苦。我告訴她：「我知道。
And I promise you I’m going to take care of you.
我向你保證我會照顧你。
But I need you to get on board.
但我需要你上船。
I will listen to you, but I will not obey you.” And as clearly as I’m speaking to you now, she said okay.
我會聽你的，但我不會服從你。」就像我現在對你說話一樣清楚，她說好的。
And then we started to talk.
然後我們開始交談。
As I continue the dialogue with myself, I found more of me, more voices with more points of view, some of them more fun than others.
當我繼續與自己對話時，我發現了更多的我，更多有更多觀點的聲音，其中一些比其他的更有趣。
And the imagined landscape of my mind began to look a lot like a focus group.
我想像中的頭腦風景開始看起來很像一個焦點小組。